This time last year.....

Tomorrow is the Relay for Life in our town. Mr. Incredible's church always sponsors a team to walk. Last year was my first time going. At that point in 2006 I had been through 2 lumpectomies, and was facing a mastectomy, maybe bilateral. I was trying to decide what to do about the other side. I was feeling vulnerable and raw, overwhelmed by the choices I was having to make. Also sort of dazed because I had the second lumpectomy only at my own insistence. Something didn't feel right to me, and, lo and behold, there were three other areas of cancer found when they complied, none of which were visible on mammogram, ultrasound or MRI. Had I not insisted....well, I don't like even going there in my head.

I don't remember why, but I went to last year's Relay alone. Maybe there were church meetings for Mr. Incredible. Maybe I wanted to go alone because I wasn't sure if I would cry, and I wasn't ready for the kids to see that yet. When I got there, I walked up to the Survivor table, and got my tee shirt. I wasn't feeling like a Survivor yet, but I wanted the shirt. Inside the convention center room there was a big Survivor dinner going on, but I hadn't known, and hadn't registered. I peeked in the back, and wondered if I would ever feel comfortable enough to join a group like that. Not a big joiner, me. Some of them, many of them, looked like they were even having fun, and there were gift bags! Who knew? I didn't feel happy enough to be in that room. The lump in my throat was too big to swallow dinner, and I wasn't ready to Rah! Rah! with other Cancer People yet.

I wandered around, and found the church tent. Though I know that group well, and enjoy them, I was the lone person living with cancer there that night. They didn't all know about my latest lab results and the decision I was facing. It was awkward, really. Most of them didn't know what to say to me, and I wasn't sure myself what I needed or wanted to hear. I was wondering why I came.

Then I heard the announcer call for Survivors to gather for the Survivor Walk. Alone, I left the church tent, and felt like I was heading for the gauntlet somehow. Walking the plank by myself. As the survivors massed together (why is there such a CROWD of cancer survivors??), and the balloons were being passed out, I ran into Peggy, a member at one of my former churches. It had been....oh....about 7 years since I had seen her. She is probably 8 or 10 years older than me. I hadn't known about her cancer. She hadn't known about mine. Two different kinds of cancers, and very different treatments. We talked all the way around the track, and kept talking when it was time to stop walking. I felt less lonely afterwards, which is part of the point, I think.

I didn't talk to Peggy again after that night until she called me early this week. She asked if I was going to the Survivor dinner this time.....Like me, she had stared at the paper until it was almost too late to register, but decided she could face it this year. We are going to go together. (I don't think she is a big joiner either.) You know, it doesn't matter that it's been a year since we spoke, and 7 years before that. We talked a long time on the phone, and dinner with her will be good. I am ready for my gift bag now. I might not be ready to Rah! Rah!, especially with my mom still in chemo, but I can handle being in a room now with other Cancer People who are happy. Cancer survivors share something. We recognize each other. If I were less tired I would figure out how to move effortlessly into the idea that, as people of faith we also share something and recognize each other.....but for now, it is enough to know that we do. I'll report back if there is anything good in the gift bag....